I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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