Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
