Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I want a musical about memes.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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