you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
