you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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