I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
