it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
