I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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