Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
