I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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