ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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