Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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