you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
