I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
