she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
