I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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