He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
