I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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