Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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