sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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