i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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