there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
