I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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