I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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