1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
