I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize