Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
