I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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