Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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