My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
