I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
