I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
