we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
