Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
