I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
