my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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