I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
