I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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