I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
