i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
