I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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