dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
