I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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