So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize