I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
