I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
