Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
