the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
