I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
