Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
