my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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