oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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