I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
