My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
