I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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