Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
