I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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